A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....

There was probably a lot of stuff going on. However, far closer, on this little planet of Earth, around 24 years ago as of this past February 2003, there was a great wailing upon the birth of one Dondi Ratliff. My mother and father had tried for four years to have another child, and the day they decided to go on my father's truck together was the day I was discovered. They should have realized what I was capable of then, but it took nearly getting born in the car and then another five years after before the impact hit them fully. Of course, they still deny it, or my father does at least, but he wasn't really around a lot due to truck-driving, so his opinion doesn't count.

I blame my parents for my sense of humour (which will be seen as soon as I get around to adding stuff to the website this summer). Well, my parents and my diabolically inventive wit that often shades into sadism at times. But you really didn't need to know that, did you? >.<

I entered Tarleton State University in Stephenville, Texas, in August 1997. I hadn't had a computer before that time, and knew little about them. Thus, when the opportunity to get online arrived with the advent of my college education, I went a little nuts. I spent way too much time online, but managed a good 3.5 GPA all the same. I met a lot of good friends and a lot of bad folks, then decided to change my major from pre-vet to English. Why? Despite having studied about animals and horses for most of my natural life, I couldn't seem to make higher than a C in my biology classes, or my horse production classes. I took it as a sign to change professions. I went with the thing I knew best: English. I was told to be a journalist, and then a teacher of English. I tried that second one, and had to drop out of my education classes in order to keep my apartment the rest of the year. Nasty little thing, the need for money.

It bit me in the butt, frankly. I ran out of money for college after an aborted attempt to live in Alabama for a few months, and then the subsequent relocation back to TSU. Since I couldn't do anything for a minor, I had to choose History. I already had the credits for a minor in it as it was. Unfortunately, when I graduated in August of 2001, I couldn't do anything with it due to the lack of focus.

I had also, by that point, lost almost everything I held dear. I worked for my boyfriend of a year and a half, who was international, and when he ultimately told me, "I don't know if I've ever loved you, and I just can't do this anymore," it was during the slowest part of the year for my payments. Thus, I was evicted from my apartment and heartbroken a week before I walked across the stage, exhausted. I lived at home for a good while, and ultimately was hired in a tiny hometown to work at Subway making sandwiches. The only reason I could was because they desperately needed someone, even "overqualified" me.

I decided to go back to school for my MA in English, and moved back to TSU the summer of 2002. I decided to also live on campus so I wouldn't have to worry about being evicted again, just as my Mom had wanted me to do all along. I began the MA work in the summer (never, never do this.... *frazzle*), and then segued into the fall as a GA working in the Writing Center. Had problems, but fixed them, and apparently I'm actually quite good at teaching: while I was there, we had a record number of passing remedial writers all across the board. It's a beautiful thing. All the badmouthing about me was for nothing.

Of course, I then watched the extended DVD of the first Lord of the Rings movie, and found myself once more wanting to act. I'd always wanted to, ever since my high school drama class, but had been too shy and abused by society to try it. It was a siren's call that I denied, even in the fall of 2002, because I knew I had to finish the MA. It wasn't making me happy, though. I confirmed the desire at the beginning of 2003, when I told myself it'd be my last MA level semester in full. I had to try the theatre and art department, even if it meant failure. At least I'd know then.

And then, the unthinkable happened. On January 20th, 2003, I was awakened by a phone call that my roomie answered. It was a Monday that I was off, and I had told myself two days previously that I wouldn't go home for the holiday after all to see my mother. My mother was dying, found unconscious from a stroke or heart attack in her bed that morning. Though she seemed fine after her CareFlight out to Fort Worth's Harris Methodist, two hours after I left the hospital that night, at 4 a.m., another massive stroke ruptured her brain stem and put fluids on her brain. Though she'd been breathing fine (and would have done so, as the docs said) without her respirator, they kept it with her just in case. After the second stroke, she had to have it, as she was brain dead. She never recovered, or awakened, and we removed her respirator on January 22nd.

I'm still dealing with the shock and trauma. The only reason I'm still in Stephenville is because my friends almost had to tie me down after telling me i didn't need to run. I still want to run, though. I had told my mother about my plans to leave the MA program for a bit the weekend before she died, in our last conversation, and the stress of the Grad Assistant program was simply too much for me. I left it, dropping back to one fabulous class that's helped me heal these hard months, and continued work as a regular tutor in the Writing Center. I start taking classes for Art and Theatre in the fall, but have taken a few interesting classes this summer so I have a home to live in. Without 6 hours of classes, I get no financial aid. Without the aid, I can't attend the classes. Without the classes, I can't stay on campus. Without this dorm room, I am homeless.

The sudden watering of the parts of me that I've slowly been killing off these last seven or eight years has done something remarkable for me. I'm happy, but for the bouts of frustration and depression I'm still getting from my mother's death, for the first time in years. I'm not spending a lot of time online, which I never thought would happen, but there it is. I'm still having problems in life, but this was normal before my mother's death. Nothing comes easily for me.

My future plans are to test this love for acting and art that I've developed, and see where it goes. I'm even taking a choir class, and will take voice lessons if they're offered by the instructor for the fall. I've started walking a lot, and the belly-dancing class I was taking (though cut back to once a month for private lessons due to the drive and money involved) adds to the health benefits so that I'm determined to not be fat anymore. I've started this comic up, and have a novel (or three) that's been languishing for years that I need to mess with. We'll see what happens from here on out. I'm sure I'll find my destiny somewhere, somehow. I can't be satisfied with anything less.

Dondi Ratliff
Saturday, April 19, 2003